I will take this time today to be with myself, to sit with myself and to support myself in whatever ways I may need.E.Wayde
This week has been in some ways very exciting yet emotionally turbulent for me at times after the publication of my intro last week. It has also been a week of feeling into a more exposed and vulnerable side to myself. You see I want so badly to be able to deliver on last week’s introduction of my set intention to deliver wisdom, guidence & support to others after abuse, that I have felt frozen in any attempt I have had to write from an authentic heart space until today. This morning I have put my focus on gentleness, practicing patience and kindness with myself like I would a child, a friend and even people I don’t know.
You might think…. what does gentleness kindness and patience with oneself look like.?? For me this morning it was waking up slowly, making myself a pot of tea, allowing myself to be in my pj’s until after midday, allowing myself moments to cry when emotions came up and speaking softly and kindly with myself to comfort the emotional pain I was feeling. I’m not going to share with you why I was feeling so fragile this morning, I might save it for another post in the future, but what I really wanted to share with you today is my very real and personal experience of how I am learning to be whatever I need, in any given moment. Allowing myself to be me, by showing up for myself and giving myself whatever support I need in the ways I need it.
It may not always be obvious to us what our needs are, especially when we may have come from a past of abuse, but it is essential and necessary for us to start taking the time, to quieten our minds and practicing listening to our own inner wisdom, our bodies and our inbuilt guidance system, our intuition. When we practice taking care of ourselves like many of us have done for so many others throughout our lives, something beautiful and real begins to evolve from within. It’s like a blooming or blossoming of ourselves that we get to experience and for some of us it’s for the very first time.
Our road to recovery and healing is not for the fainthearted, but I guarantee you, if you choose to come on this journey you will not remain the same person you remember from your painful past. Like you and so many others I have chosen this road of healing and recovery out of necessity, out of a place of self-preservation and survival. I didn’t want to die by my own hands nor by the hands of another, and believe me when I say I have been way too close to both.
On my journey so far it has been through reading, educating myself, perserverance and developing a relationship with myself, that I have never experienced before, which has allowed me to begin the process of transcending my past. I didn’t want to go back there to a place of darkness, grief, pain and dispair, because I had felt enough pain and abuse for three or more lifetimes. So each day for me is this new found freedom and each day is precious, it’s a gift to learn something new about myself, the world, humanity and the universe. Today I dare you to give yourself permission to do and be whatever you need in this moment…. I am absolutely not condoning addictive behaviours, selfharm, or being critical of oneself or passing judgement onto others. I am saying let’s give ourselves a safe environment to practice being gentle with ourselves and to listen to what arises from a place of self-kindness, and maybe we might even see a glimpse of self-love.
All words written by ~ Evelyn Wayde © 2020