She wept, as she handed him her Heart, she wept, as he stole her besotted heart, she wept for her torn broken heart, she wept putting back the pieces of her heart.
When I first left the relationship with the ex-psychopath I was at such a low place within myself and within so many other aspects of my life, it felt like my starting point to heal was at less than zero. I felt like healing or seeing any sign of it was totally out of my reach. There was so much work to be done and I had no clue where to start. I felt broken and striped of any self-confidence, my startle response was through the roof, I was anxious, shaky, depressed, forgetful, due to temporary short-term memory loss and I was suffering from acute Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The reason I am telling you all of this is because I want to try and give you a clear picture of where I was in my life and within myself and just how far I have come.
As a women, a mother, a friend, a sister and as a human being I thought I was finished, used up, ready to die, completely broken and unworthy of anyone’s love including my own. I was in a state of the unknown feeling completely afraid of life, people and places and I had even begun to think I may have incurred a brain injury from all the physical and psychological abuse and torture that had been inflicted upon me. I didn’t find enjoyment in the things I used to love to do anymore and the thought of continuing on my own was so heartbreaking and soul crushing, it was excruciatingly painful, and my entire body ached for my abuser, for the love and the life he stole from me and for the love, the life and the home we had promised to each other over and over. However sick this may sound to some, I believed him to be the love of my life and I was so addicted to the abuse cycle and my abuser I couldn’t and I didn’t want to imagine a future without him.
I started reading everything I could find on all different topics ranging from domestic violence to Stockholm syndrome, PTSD, trauma bonds, healing after abuse, Psychopaths, Narcissists, Sociopaths, psychological abuse, psychological grooming, intermittent reinforcement, co-dependency, addictive behaviours, biochemicals in the brain, the brain, the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex, brain traumas, healing from brain traumas, meditation, adrenal fatigue. I couldn’t get enough information, and the more I read the more I felt and believed education was a key component to setting me free from a past that felt so sickening addictive and still so familiar to me.
Day and night I submerged myself in learning about what had happened to me and who my abuser really was. I began to learn the language of a Narcissistic abuse survivor. I remember the day I learnt the concept and definition of cognitive dissonance, a term that was completely foreign to me. I had never heard of cognitive dissonance before, what a revelation and a mind blowing one at that. If you’re not familiar with this term it is when we hold two opposing beliefs about one person or thing, on one side we may believe we have been in a relationship with a man that loves us, but on the flip side we know that he has been repeatedly hurtful and abuses us. It is extremely painful emotionally and psychologically to keep these two opposing beliefs and over time can cause what’s known as splitting or fragmentation of our psyche. We want so badly for our partner to be loving that we justify and make excuses for their continued appalling behaviour and abuse, allowing ourselves to put up and cope with the relationship we are actually living in and accepting.
To be continued……
~ Words By Evelyn Wayde ©