“Real transformation happens when we have reached all of our limits”.E.Wayde
It can often become easier for us to dwell on our abuser, their ‘new life’ and their ‘new supply’ or new partner, as they taunt their victims, from a distance and flaunt an often sickening display of their ‘newest’ relationship or supposed ‘new love connection’ for all the world to witness and see.
I say easier not to diminish or take away from the abuse pain and trauma we have experienced and suffered, but it may be easier to remain hooked to our abusers not only due to the physiological and chemically induced addiction, (the trauma bond), but also because it’s all we know. When we keep doing what we already know we are unable to break the trauma bond or begin taking our power back, keeping us locked into the abuse cycle.
By repeating what’s familiar we stay stuck, not unlike an addict and the narcissist remains like a bad habit we cannot kick. Rather than switching our focus all the way back to ourselves we continue spiralling into what can feel like a never ending black hole often filled with shame, sadness and despair.
After coming away from a relationship with a narcissist or an abuser, we have often spent months, years or even a lifetime trapped within the abuse cycle. We have unknowingly and sometimes knowingly given our power away, giving up much of our own identity, wants needs and desires to please them.
We spent much of our daily existence filled with tasks focused on them, their lives, doing what they wanted when they wanted it done, be it sex, household duties, errands, paying bills, fixing things, solving some issue whatever it may be it was always about them their needs wants and desires. We built them up, much to our own demise, so I get how foreign it feels to think about turning our full focus back to ourselves our healing and personal growth.
However while we remain focused on our abuser we are living in toxicity and this toxicity is running through our thoughts, our bodies, our minds and our physical bodies. If we are to make any progress towards a better life, we must cut out toxicity, preferably altogether, the only exception should be when we have children and share custody, even then keep all communication about the children, keep it factual, non emotional and brief. I would recommend keeping it all via email, that way there is always a paper trail should you need it and this helps to create distance between you and the narcissist.
When we talk about being in contact this includes but is not limited to, any form or means of emails, social media, mutual friends, work colleagues or through anyone else they are in contact with. Please understand keeping in contact even by proxy will not serve you and can and will only ever offer you more pain.
Over time staying in some form of contact will not do you any favours and sadly for some of us it may have lasting and detrimental effects on our health both physically mentally and emotionally. When we leave the door open to be contacted by mutual friends family members acquaintances and even work colleagues, this is where we allow the abuse to continue through their followers their believers and their flying monkeys.
It is up to us to draw the line in the sand and protect ourselves from this horrific abuse ongoing, no one can make this choice but you, only you get to decide when enough is enough. Often by remaining in contact we unintentionally continue to expose ourselves to further abuse some of which may seem like nothing, even harmless at first, however any form of contact with our abuser ongoing is setting ourselves up to remain addicted to them, with potential exposure to further Narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse is horrendous it puts our body in a stressed physiological state, which can be referred to as a stress response or trauma response. When we keep exposing our bodies to a trauma response this places victims not only in a vulnerable place emotionally and psychologically, but it also places enormous amounts of stress on the physical body. Ongoing this type of stress is know to result in adrenal fatigue, sleep disturbances, headaches, gut health issues, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation, and these are only some of what I have personally experienced from my own exposure to narcissistic abuse. There are many more autoimmune diseases and unexplainable illnesses many other victims and survivors are experiencing and trying to heal from after this abuse. If you’re not already suffering from some form of physical condition, it is only a matter of time before our bodies say enough.
Living this way will not allow true healing to begin nor will it allow the victim the time and space they need to stabilise their physiology or to come out of a permanent stress response state. Exposing ourselves to anything to do with the abuser has the potential to throw us back into a fight or flight response and often back and forth between toxic emotional states in our bodies oscillating somewhere between anger resentment to bewilderment and shame and even rage.
‘This is not how we start to heal, this is not living our best life’.
This is not healthy for us, these emotions and emotional states are sending toxic chemicals through our bodies over and over, this is not aiding recovery nor is it getting some sort of revenge, this directly affects you, your body, your health, your mind, your emotional state. Emotions such as anger resentment shame and rage are hard on the human body.
Yes it will be necessary for us to feel, process and unpack these emotions while we are healing or even sometimes throughout everyday life experiences, but it would be highly detrimental to our health to remain in these states of emotions for prolonged amounts of time. When we are in these low frequency emotions for long periods of time they start to change our bodies physiology and we start to become a physical form of that emotion.
Only we have control over ourselves, we have control over what actions we take we have a choice, we can make ourselves our own highest priority and begin to give ourselves the best life we deserve or we can keep recycling through abuse causing ourselves more pain and suffering and inevitable trauma. I know what I choose, I choose me and so can you.
Sometimes it takes for the pain in our life to become so loud and so debilitating we have no choice but to change. For me it took a near death experience to realise I was destroying myself through trying to love someone else. When we realise we are the ones who perpetuate our own demise and begin to see our own worth, this is when our lives and the way we see it and how we show up in it starts to shift.
I understand it is hard to break out of this cycle, I understand the compulsions not to let go so very well and this is why I have written this piece. In the past I was relentlessly fixated on the ex, I couldn’t seem to stop thinking or talking about him, it was like I was completely consumed by him on a cellular, psychological and I would even say psychic level, even without him in my life. However I have vowed a commitment to myself, my healing and to my wellbeing and so no matter what I always come back to my commitment to myself. Even when I have broken no contact, it is so important to pick ourselves up reflect on why and how it happened and no matter what speak kindness to ourselves and get straight back on that horse and go ‘No Contact’.
I know for myself my commitment has had a major impact on every aspect of my life my outlook and my state of mind have had major shifts. My attitude towards myself and my life has changed dramatically, I have aspirations to live, I have a passion for life again and I get to choose how I live and show up in the world. I am in awe of how much progress I have achieved, I no longer feel stuck in a cycle I cannot control, I no longer feel ashamed and trapped by the trauma. I have hopes and dreams for myself and my future, and I am really starting to believe I will actually achieve them.
The best gift I have ever given myself is the space to heal and an acceptance of what is. We all have the ability and potential to grow and evolve continuing to work on ourselves having a positive impact on ourselves and the world around us. Staying no contact requires an ongoing commitment to ourselves to our cause, our children our dreams and to our peace.
‘Your comment to yourself and your healing needs to represent something positive and unwavering’.
Don’t do this alone, support is out there in many many forms, find one that fits you. You will find many online forums and social media groups with peers. One on one coaches, counsellors, psychologist and alike. There is so much free content out there if you really want to do something to support yourself start reading and educating yourself on healing trauma google and YouTube have been my lifeline. Get curious about why you are where you are, don’t let this person or circumstance dictate your present moment or your future.
If you need support research to find what kind of support works best for you and what you need. There is no shame in needing support we all need support especially after going through these experiences with a narcissist or any kind of abuse. If you’re struggling please reach out, I will always respond and try to provide something of value. I am loving learning how to empower myself and I hope through empowering myself I can empower others here too. Be well and much love.
All Words Written by Evelyn Wayde © 2020