Hi there, I would like to share with you a little bit of my story and why I have come to be here writing this blog. For the sake of being cautious my identity will not be fully revealed. I will call myself Evelyn or Evie, but never the name given to me at birth. I’m here to share with you my story, my thoughts, my poems, my light and my experiences relating to, but not limited to overcoming adversity and how I continue to transform myself and create a new life.
There has been much pain throughout my life, not unlike a life of many of you. It was through my pain and suffering that I have been able to begin to discover the truest version of myself. I am by no means a finished product, but as I continue on this path each day I notice an ever growing commitment to evolve into a better version of myself.
I believe we are all here to continue to find this truest version of ourselves. Discovering the parts of ourselves that may have been missing as far back as birth or maybe even previous lifetimes.
Through our societal conditioning and induction into human-hood, we are encourage to abandon parts of ourselves to fit within the systems in place. Only these systems as there are many do not allow for our own humanness to be present, but instead we are conditioned to believe there is something innately wrong with us to the core of our being.
These feelings of not being enough or wrong had a profound effect on my psyche. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, too loud, too quiet, but never enough rang out like echos in my mind.
As a young child before the age of five I began to be all that I could for the people around me, I gave up myself my freedom my needs my dreams to fit in and to be loved. Only the feelings of being loved were all to often conditional and short lived.
On my journey to the self or HEART SPACE I have indulged in many self harming behaviours, there have been many things I used to numb down the pain. Some people may say I was an addict, I say I was hurt and wounded acting in the only way I knew how, attempting to protect myself from further pain.
Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how we choose to look at it. My self betrayal emotional avoidance and numbing things ended up having the opposite wanted affect and ended up causing the emotional pain and suffering in my life to multiply beyond my own conceptual capacity or belief.
Self harm and self abandonment was coupled with many years of what I now understand to be NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. At age 41 I had had what I would call three major relationships, one failed marriage to a man with whom I share a son, a relationship with a covert narcissist and a five and a half year on gain off again relationship with a man I believe to be narcissistic and sadistic psychopath.
Each relationship progressively worse than the last, each one leaving me feeling more alone and separate from myself. I was so deeply intertwined in someone else that I became a shell to my own existence. I didn’t know who I was before them and I certainly didn’t know who I was when they ended.
If you thought it could’t get much worse, I lived with an ever present desire to self-annihilate and disappear. Despite my inner pain and turmoil, I had for the most part put on a brave face for my family and friends. Yet there was so much sadness, anger and confusion laying dormant inside of me. I didn’t understand why I felt so damaged, so broken.
There I was with what I can only describe as an inner emptiness and pit of loneliness permeating from my entire being. I remember reaching several breaking points, but nothing was like the wake up call I received the night my then off again partner stabbed my face. My world completely shattered and for the first time I finally saw the truth.
It was the shock and a feeling of utter bewilderment that washing over me daily, once ending (escaping) the relationship with him that spurred such a drive and need in me for things to be different. If I wasn’t so driven for change I don’t know how or if I would of survived.
My intense desire for change openness and sense of curiosity has ultimately lead me down a road of self care, self understanding and self discovery. To this day I continue to have a great need for introspection and through my own healing experiences I have become a true believer in the ability of transformation.
Transformation for me continues to feel much like a death and rebirth. I am not done on my quest for change and am by no means a master teacher, but not to share my story with the you would verge on being criminal within itself, when doing so has the potential to plant many seeds of hope and maybe even liberate someones life.
Eves HeartSpace is where I get to come back to myself diving into the depths of my own heart. I hope by continuing on my own journey of expansion others will be inspired and encouraged to do the same. Join me on this journey into your own HeartSpace.
With love, Evelyn x
All words by ~ Evelyn Wayde © 2020