A Healing Heart
Hi my name is Evelyn, I’m here to share with you my story, my poems, my light and my experiences related to overcoming adversity and how I have been able to continue to transform myself from a lifetime of abuse. Abuse that was not only inflicted upon me by others, but sadly was also inflicted upon me through my own self-loathing, self-harm, numerous addictions, and through a lack of self-worth and self-compassion.
My inner transformation has felt much like a death and rebirth, a rebirth which was induced by layers and layers of compacted trauma, grief, confusion, repeating abuse patterns, patterns of self destruction, followed by years of narcissistic abuse, domestic violence and an ever present desire to self-annihilate and disappear.
My life most certainly hasn’t been filled with what I would call happiness, I have had glimpses and moments of hope with breif feelings of what I thought was love, but for the most part life has felt unbearable and up until a year or so into my healing, it had been nothing short of difficult and painful for me.
Despite the pain and turmoil I had put on a brave face for my family and friends, yet there was so much sadness, anger and confusion laying dormant inside of me, I didn’t understand why I felt so damaged and there were no signs of my internal pain or heartache ever going away not even a glimmer of respite.
However I am here now and I am on the road to health, healing and recovery, a journey I believe can only lead me back to my authentic HeartSpace. My HeartSpace is an expression or term I like to use, of referring to coming into the centre of oneself, to the heart of it. The heart is in essence the centre of our inner universe and where all our emotions and feelings of love and compassion are cultivated and begin.
Through my healing experiences thus far I have become a true believer of my self-transformation, it all began with a gut wrenching feeling of bewilderment that washed over me daily with an inner emptiness and loneliness that rang through my entire being. It was the ending of a five year relationship with a psychopath that spurred such a drive and an eagerness for things to be different, I needed my life to change so badly, if it didn’t I don’t know if I could of survived.
To this day I continue to have a great need for deep introspection in the search to uncover the why’s of my life. Like why this was all happening, and why it seemed as though I was stuck in a repeating loop of helplessness, victimhood and sadness. My endless curiosity for life and my desire to understand myself better has ultimately lead me to a road of self discovery and I am inspired by how far I have come.
I am by no means a finished product or a master teacher, but not to share my story with the world would verge on being criminal within itself, when doing so has the potential to plant many seeds of hope and maybe even liberate some peoples lives. So I say thank you for joining me on this journey, I hope in time along with faith this space will assist in leading many of its readers and followers to their own true essence and HeartSpace.
All words by ~ Evelyn Wayde © 2020